Humour : The wonderful wizard of letter writing

Few could argue that our lives haven’t been bettered by the introduction of our favorite pointy hatted friend, the Wizard. So let’s take a look at the world without the virtual sorcerer.

Dave was sat at his desk. He’d been mulling over the problem for a while now, but he just couldn’t quite get it right. Top? Bottom? It just didn’t make sense. The middle would make it look awful. Eventually after much huffing and puffing he sat bolt upright and called across the office. “Wizard!! Oi Wizard.” Nothing. It was time for something a little more drastic. Dave flung a stapler over a partition and shouted, “OI…MR POINTY” A rather strangely dressed man appeared on a wheely chair and hurled himself towards Dave’s desk. He spun the chair as he went hoping to impress or at least announce his arrival.

“Tada….I’m here….What can I do for you?” The man looked over at Dave’s desk and exclaimed with an over emphasised amount of joy, “It looks to me like you’re trying to write a letter.” Dave nodded grimly, he hated himself for asking the idiot over but he really was stuck.
“So what seems to be the problem bub?” asked the Sorcerer.
Dave took hold of the letter opener on his desk and pointed it towards the ‘wizard’. “Call me bub again…..and….” he stumbled whilst he fought for the right words….”I’ll cut the point off that bloody hat of yours.” The Wizard looked stunned and slowly but delicately took off his black pointed hat and hid it behind his back. Dave sat back down at his desk and the wizard moved towards him…wheeling the chair slowly. “I’m just having trouble with one part,” said Dave. “I can’t for the life of me remember where the signature goes.”

The wizard suddenly flung him self back in his chair and roared with laughter. “Now that’s something I can help you with me-laddo,” he exclaimed. The letter opener was once again raised and wizard’s eyes widened slightly. After a short stab in the air by the angry office worker, the blunt blade was once again lowered. “Right, let’s have a look at what we have so far.” Dave reluctantly gave the sheet of paper to wizard. Wizard started looking over it, silently humming a happy little tune to himself. Dave started slowly and rhythmically banging his head on the desk. Wizard obviously couldn’t hear himself so he hummed a little louder, and Dave combined the head banging with the addition of fingers in his ears.

Wizard quickly took a glance around, made sure Dave wasn’t looking, and then gingerly pulled the front of his trousers away from his stomach. His other hand swiftly picked up Dave’s letter and stuffed it down his pants. He found a blank piece of paper and tapped Dave on the shoulder. “Shall we begin?” he said. Dave seemed a little shocked, but then nothing about the strange little man surprised him anymore.
“What do you mean, begin?” he asked. The little man gave a short strange little smile and then continued, “You’ve enlisted the help of a wizard now, we must start everything with a blank slate.” Dave looked angry. It wasn’t surprising, even though the letter wasn’t long it had taken him a fair amount of time to compose it.
“But…but…what happened to my letter?” He asked.
“Destroyed” said Wizard.
“WHAT!!” Shouted Dave. The little man was starting to really get on his nerves. The wizard tried to reassure him.
“Don’t worry we’ll start it all over again,” he chuckled to him self, “and get it right this time.” Dave was tired. It had taken all morning to write that letter and he wasn’t about to write it all over again by himself. “So, let’s see, first of all we need the letter body.”
Dave frowned “You mean the recipient?”
“No” Said Wizard. “We start with the message body”
Dave looked at him in disbelief. “What kinda screwed up way of writing a letter is that?” Unphased, the wizard just replied joyfully, “I don’t believe you’ve been to Wizard School……Nope…..Well I have”

The two of them worked for the next 15 minutes, Dave with his head on the desk, and Wizard writing feverishly. Dave managed a short glance at the paper. Then he suddenly stood up, pointed to the page and shouted, “What the heck is that?”
“Why that would be the letter ‘a’ good Sir,” replied Wizard.
“That’s a 9!!” spat Dave. Wizard tried to smudge it and start over the letter again.
“Oh man you’re making it worse!!! I swear if this takes much longer I’m going to give you such a beating.” shouted Dave.

When they’d finally finished the body of letter Wizard looked over at Dave and asked, “How do you want to sign off?”
Dave scratched his chin and replied, “With the warmest regards, sounds about right.”
Wizard’s face dropped. “Sorry”, he replied. “You can choose from either ‘With Love’, ‘Yours Sincerely’ or ‘Yours Faithfully’. Dave slammed his hands down on the desk. This was not going well. It had taken just as long to get the stupid wizard involved as it had for him to do half the letter himself.
“Why can’t I choose what I want to write” he asked in desperation.
Wizard patted him on the back as he stood there panting. “You’ve never written a letter using the wizard before have you?” Dave slumped in the chair and just replied “Yours Faithfully.”

“Your name?” asked Wizard.
“Don’t be stupid, dim wit!!” Was all Dave could reply.

“I’ll just put David,” said the magician. Dave sat up again and then slammed his hand down on the paper. He looked tired now. His eyes were wired and his hair a complete mess. The ironic thing is that the Wizard had supposed to have been a quick end to a long and boring job. Dave extended the blunt blade in threat once again.
Through gritted teeth David hissed, “I’ve written this letter twice now, thanks to you. I am signing it myself.”
Wizard began to protest, “I’m afraid Section 3.2 of the wizard code states that no user may input anything into the document itself until the Wizard has completed the task.” The head banging commenced once more accompanied this time by fists too.

“Now”, said Wizard, finishing off signing the letter from D-a-y-v-e-d. “Who is the delightful letter going to?”

Dave responded, “Jean Kiln, Michael Simmons, Marty Beanham….”
Wizard held up his hand. “Woah, Woah, Woah….” he laughed. “You said more than one name”
“Yes” replied Dave, once again dumbfounded at the weird little man. “That’s because I want to send it to more than one person”
“Oh, I’m afraid you can’t do that with a letter”, said Wizard.
“Why the hell NOT??” Dave’s forehead was throbbing now.
“Well”, started Wizard, “it’s not in the spirit of a letter. I think what you’re looking for is more like spam. That requires a level 3 wizard who’s studied in the ancient art of Advanced Correspondence”

Dave sat there for a few minutes. His brain wasn’t quite working. He couldn’t understand what this meant. What had he done to deserve this? “So what are my options?” He said, finally breaking the silence.
“Well you could start the letter again?” replied Wizard, getting up jostling his trousers.
“Can I have that piece of paper,” Dave started, “or is that a stupid question?” Wizard did the weird smile again, “Sorry”, he replied, “Official Wizard stationary.”
Wizard tried to subtly insert the sheet into his pants, but Dave noticed him this time. “You’re a ….. you’re a real weirdo!!!” he shouted. “What the heck are you doing now???”
The little man started wheeling away, but he replied none the less. “My personal shredder is broken, so under Wizard rules I have to put all data corresponding to your request somewhere where you will never be able to see them again.” He paused, stopped wheeling and then added, “I could have chosen to burn them I guess.”
“I HOPE YOU GET PAPERCUTS”

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